My Shopping Dream Sequence

Any mom will tell you there you that, even thought we love our kids to bits, there is something invigorating and empowering about shopping ALONE.

Alone as in "no-kids-I-am-all-by-my-lovely-self" shopping. It's damn near euphoric.

We are better shoppers too. More savvy. More purposeful. We can actually stand, contemplate, and finish a thought thus getting the best deal on which TP based on brand, number of rolls, and footage.

We glide through the store with the greatest of ease. Scoring deals, locating items with no problem, and even walking into the Nirvana of The Clearance Section without being directed by staff who are as haried as we are.

We loiter. We dawdle. We savor.

This of course is the polar opposite to our kid-toting-self which flies through the stores at light-speed. Our child-packed shopping cart transforms to a Land Speeder as we attempt to get through the store quickly and not prolong the agony any longer than we have to. We do all this while strategically avoiding the Toy Section and The Electonics Departments....thus avoiding Greasy Tamtrums/Meltdowns.

We pause at nothing and attempt to fill our list with the laser focus of a military sharpshooter. We master the art of "snatch and grab" as we shoot by the asprin, frozen food, and cereal areas. Coupons? Yeah, well those are back on the kitchen counter along with the last shred of sanity as our beloved cherubs beg, squirm and bicker their way through the bubble bath section, opting for the Disney Princess Head one that has the fluid ounces of Visine and the price tag of Dom Perignon. As they busy themselves bickering over the stray pack of Silly Bands that some dumb a$$ left in that section, I race to pet food section praying the ONE KIND of food our dog eats is in stock and on sale. 


Exhasted and defeated we head for checkout. Though I have 52 items, I head for the 20 Items Or Less lane cuz..well..there's no one in that line and I need to get the "eff outta here." And those 52 items? I only had 15 things on my list. WTF?

SO..let's look at this closer. What would Franticmommy's Shopping Dream Sequence be like? Granted this may never..well..of of course it won't ever happen, but a mama can dream:

Dream Sequence: It's 6 am and I have the whole.store.to.myself. A store employee greets me at the door with a steaming cup of coffee. One that doesn't taste like dirt and has jjjuussstttt the right amount of vanilla flavored creamer and fake sugar. Oh yeah...and a brick of Dove Dark Chocolate on the side.

Another staffer takes my list and in moments reorganizes it according to store layout, directs me to sale areas, and even slips me a map to a secret Clearance Section that I can de-virginize. Along with a side order of Uber Awesome Money Saving Coupons. Boo-yah.

As I round the corner of Aisle 4, I see and enjoy a free chair massage. Did I mention my massage person is a gorgeous hunk of beefsteak who is giving massages shirtless? YUM.

After loitering, pondering, trying on clothes (that all look great on me AND are on clearance) and feasting on an endless buffet of free food samples, I am offered a choice of a the use of a golf cart or a foot massage. They ovbiously know this is a BIG store.

As I finish up my leisurely shopping, and I offered the chance to use the store's new Parental Nap Room where I (while my shopping booty is guarded by armed guards) can nap on a uber-soft heated bed with soft soothing music. NO hurries. No worries.

Then it's on to the check-out area where my heaping TWO cartloads of merchandize is tallied and professionally bagged. Thanks to coupons, rebates, and the fact I AM so freakin awesome, my $400 merchandize bill is reduced to $25 and I leave rested, envigorated and empowered......


...then I get home and the house is trashed, hubs is crabby, the kids are fighting, and the dog did a Nasty on the floor.

HEY, I did say it was a "dream sequence" , did I?